Heres A Long Rant....I Mean Update

Ok, I am going on something like 5 months of leaving my husband. Have I had my doubts?.........Hell Yea!!!!

But I always seem to be reminded, by him, that i made the best decision for me and my family. That man is STILL trying to control me. This time through money. He has always been the one to support our family, by his choice, so when I left, he cut me off of everything!!! Which some of you may be thinking, i deserve that but we do have 3 children together, so when he cuts me off, he cuts them off, and thats what I need to get through his big head.

Our first court date is coming up in a week. Its a temporary hearing to get him out of the house and me and our 3 children back in. Also for him to start paying child support and alimony. On a side note, I wasn't gonna take him for alimony but since he decided that he couldnt even help out with diapers or gas money once in awhile, im going to get whats mine then.

You would think that a real man would have just left the house and let his wife and 3 very young children stay in it, even if hes not the one doing the leaving, but no, not my husband. He straight up told me that he was not leaving the house or paying any money till he was court ordered to. So, go ahead #32, or however old you are now, the courts are just gonna see that as you not taking any responsibility, so be my guest, plead my case for me.

The next court date is not till January, so something tells me, this divorce is going to be a lot longer then I bargained for. But it's worth the wait. i have been unhappy for 10 years. We have not had a 6 month stretch in 10 years that has gone good. I am ready to be me again, whoever that is. I used to think people who said "I have to find myself" were crazy, I mean how could you not know who you are, what you like? But now I understand. Thats right where I am at. I don't know anything about myself. So throughout this blog, I might confuse you, but dont worry, your not alone, I confuse myself.

Well I gotta go. i am going to be posting more now, so I will keep all of you updated.

Heres the truth for today. I would not wish being alone on anyone!! Thats got to be the worst part. Going to bed alone. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make the feelings go away, I just have to go through it and get through it.

Still Alive

I don't have much time and my Internet is down but just a little update, I left Jim and me and the kids moved in with my mom. He's in the house until I can get him out. I am working with an attorney but it cost a lot of money to get divorced but I am willing to wait and get it done. I am so finished with this chapter in my life.

I will write a detailed blog when I have more time. Believe me, I have a million rants ready to go!!

So, Life Goes On

I really have no idea why I picked that for a title. I guess it just fit:)

Things are still pretty much the same. We have these little text message wars and let me tell you, his cut deep. I get the, "your worthless" "Your a poor excuse for a mother" and so on.

He just keeps telling me that I would just repent and get right with the God, everything would get better. I just keep on telling him to focus on yourself and how you can improve and let me focus on me.

I mean, c'mon, how can he even think about changing when he spends his days thinking of things I need to change or improve. I mean I will admit my faults in this marriage but I am not totally to blame. He plays his part too and unless we BOTH make some changes, we are not going to make it.

I am just seriously going through the motions of marriage lately. I am half way debating on going back to the lawyer and started a divorce. I mean our divorce will probably take years anyway since he wants the kids, he doesn't want to pay and he won't sign any papers.

But I will be Dam*** if I let my girls grow up with a man like that. I mean I not one of those feminist or anything close to that but I don't want my girls growing up thinking that at any minute, God can squish you like a bug. I want my kids to get convictions based off their relationship with God, not some man shoving it down our throats.

I am really not sure what to do. I have tried talking to him but it ALWAYS goes back to, that I just need to repent and get right with God. And i'm not even sure what I am supposed to be getting right!!!!

Yes, I work a part-time job, I wear capris and I smoke. And yes, I am not going to church 3 times a week with him. To tell you the truth I can't even stomach walking into that building with him. But I do go on Sunday mornings and Sunday nights.

Oh, I wish life had an on and off button because I would so hit the off button right now!!!

Please people, tell me something to cheer me up, jokes, stories, ANYTHING!!!

As always, thanks for listening to me rant:)

Yesterday.....Wow

So, here's a little re-cap of yesterday. We both worked and got home around the same time, 5:00. The kids got home and we rested for a about 30 min. Then he decided to go mow the grass and I decided to cook dinner.

So he's outside and I decide to make hamburgers, but we are out of propane and I really want them on the grill so I go out side to ask him, If I can load up ALL 3 of the kids and go buy some propane. He is immediately red in the face and asks me where I am going to get money for it, I politely tell him that I worked all day and I get paid daily, I clean houses, he knows this, he is obviously mad about something.

SO I asked him what his problem was and he said when he was mowing the grass, he found a cigarette butt. Yes, people, 1 cigarette butt.

I do have a ash tray that I use but occasionally, one gets away form me.

So then he goes on and on about this butt in the grass and then tells me that he can't believe our lifestyle, You know, the drugs, alcohol, and sex parties:)

Ok, #32 Hmmmm, just because I work a part time job cleaning houses, wear capri pants and smoke cigarettes does not make me the worst person, mother on the face of this earth.

So I gave him the finger and I left, He then sent me a text and told me that "the worst part about me leaving is that I come back, stay gone for good this time."

Thanks #32, I love you too.

I Updated The "Please Read" Section

Wow, after looking that section over, it's no wonder no one knew what I was talking about!!!! I had my numbers messed up and my sentences weren't even correct sentences!!!

So, anyway, it's all fixed now, and thank you to everyone who brought that to my attention.

Drama At The Mall

So, last night me and #32 decided to get a baby-sitter and have a fun night out. Which ment going to LongHorn and then shopping at the mall.

Well we made it through dinner fine, we actually had a great time of laughing and conversation.......................................Then, we went to the mall, *Please cue Twilight music*,

SO we are walking and he is walking like a snail, I really was trying not to say anything but I just couldn't take it, so I asked him politely if he could walk a little faster. Boy did that set him off, He then made his little speech about how he should be able to walk anyway he wants to and that, the mall is not ALL ABOUT ME. Ok, #32, as soon as you are done crying like a little baby, maybe we can finish our FUN time at the mall.

So then I showed him where the men's shoes were and I was looking RIGHT NEXT TO HIM at some nightgowns and the next thing I know he is gone!!!!

So I have to call his cell phone and he tells me that he left the store and is sitting by the fountain.

I asked him, "You couldn't even come get me when you were done looking?!? We are supposed to be doing this together"

He then tells me that he doesn't want to shop with me because basically I told him how to walk, I'm selfish, I think the mall is all about me, and so on, and so on.

So I leave him sitting at the fountain and I tell him just to meet me at the car when he is ready.

SO I wait for like 15min for him when he finally decides to come to the car. He's so freaking immature, I just can't stand it!!!!

When we get home, I changed into my Capri's because I was going to leave. We had a baby-sitter all night and obviously we can't be alone with each other. So he jumps up, starts yelling at me, blocks the door so I can't leave.

I had to push him like 3 times just to get out the door. He was freaking out because I changed into my "hooker" clothes, You know, Capri's and a t-shirt, and I was leaving. And since he's a control freak, he couldn't take it.

SO even as I am leaving, He is yelling out the window, "Your a piece of Crap!!!!"

Yes, #32, You make me really wanna stay here with you now.

SO anyway, I thought I would share with you our nice romantic night out without kids. You know the one we have about once every 2 months!!!

Thanks #32, You Suck!!!!!!

Just A Quickie

For those of you who do not know my families secret names, I will share again. All they are, are our ages so if one changes out of the blue, it's because they had a birthday, I will try to update my side bar to match. Here we go.

#32 is my husband
#26 is me, but I am soon to be #27
#5 My daughter
#3 My second daughter
#2 My son
Monster-In-Law, My Mother-in-law

A few updates real quick, Jim is back at the house and I started a job, cleaning houses, which I am actually liking very much. Jim hates the fact that I want to work but in order for him to come home, I told him that he needed to accept me for me!!!

That means that, yes, I smoke, yes I wanna work, yes, I wanna wear what I want to wear.

Now, I am not being all out rebellious, I do try to meet him in the middle but I am just ready to be me and if he can't like me for me then we got problems.

Oh, and I also bought a car, a 2002 Chrysler Seibring!!! He was not to happy about it but I was tired of on;y having one car and being stuck in the house 24/7, so I did it!!

For any new readers, my husband is VERY controlling. To the point of what I wear, who I hang out with, what I do all day. So that is why I am taking steps to better myself and hopefully save this marriage!!

Talk to you soon!!

It's Been A Awhile........

Well things were actually going really well with family for a long time, if you consider about 4 months a long time. Then on Friday, I kicked out #31, He has messed with my head and played his little games for far to long. I will make a long story short, I will tell you what happened Friday.

I had 2 doctors appointments. It was 12:00 and I had to be at the first one by 1:00. My MIL was coming over to babysit for both appt. My second one was at 3:15. #32, yes, hes #32 now, gets off early and calls me to see whats going on, I tell him that his mom is coming over to babysit, and he wants to know what i'm going to do with my 2 hour break in between appt. I told him I didn't know but that I was going to enjoy my afternoon with no kids.

We hang up and he calls his mom, which she is on her way over, it's like 12:30 now and tells her not to come and calls me back and tells me that. So I asked him, "are you coming home then?" He tells me, "I will be home later" What?!?! I have somewhere to be in like 20 min, you need to come home now. And he's like, well whatever. So I called my mom and his mom both because I need a sitter.

You see, #32 is just so controlling over me that he doesn't want me to have ANY free time!!! Little did I know, that he was on his way home, So he gets here at the same time as his mom and I look like a fool for freaking out and asking her to come back. What an A**Hole!!! He knew all along he was coming back but he wanted to make me sweat it. What kind of person does that?!?!

That was the last straw for me. You see over the months anytime I did anything for leisure he would complain to me and get on me that I should be reading my Bible or praying or doing something with the church with my free time.

I mean every time I watched tv or played on the computer he would make little snide comments. I am so over it!!!!

So I packed up his stuff and told him to get out. I told him he could take the kids for the weekend, and he did.

Of course I am a little sad, He is all I have ever known since my senior year in high school. We have been married 9 nine years and together 10. But I can't tell you enough how calm it was here this weekend with no one telling me what to do or complaining that the house wasn't perfect.

I will write more late but I got a new job and I start today. Guess i'm serious about this. I need an income.

Rant some more soon!!!

Little UpDate

Ok, so #31 finally fixed my door so I can lock it now. Now, really, only if he could leave it that way.

Things have FINALLY started to look up lately. I feel like #31 is treating me rather well. He's sorta kinda fun to be around. Could this be a REAL change? I sure hope so. I kinda like him like this.

My kids are still driving me nuts, but i'm not sure that will ever change, at least not for awhile.

Well give me couple of hours and i am sure i will have a rant about something ;)

Can't I have Some Privacy In My Own Closet

Now before you think I am loony and have totally lost it, hear me out.

#31 broke my bedroom door lock. Yes, he wanted in and I didn't want him in and let's just say, he got in.

Now #5, #3 & #2 come in whenever they want to. I have nowhere to go for some Alone time.

Yes, I am still smoking, and yes regret it. I smoked for 10 years and it took me forever to quit and then I started back up. Stress is a B****!!!!

Any way it's too cold to go outside so I sit in my closet with the window open and smoke out of it. Except now that I can't lock my bedroom door I am always getting company.

Me and that man are going to have some words tonight and he IS going to fix my door.

To Be Continued..............

Grab my Button

My new bloggy friend made me a cute button you can grab, all you have to do is copy and paste the code and my wicked little lady will be lurking on your blog!!

Hope to see you soon ;)......................On your blog!!

New Siggy

Just trying out my new siggy, I LOVE it!!! I found this lady off of another blog I read. She created custom blog templates for FREE!! You can't get anything for your blog for free. I put her button in my side bar if you are interested. She didn't create my blog but she did make this siggy to match it, and I must say, she did a great job!!

Beautiful Blog Award

My friend Emma over at Diamonds Are Forever awarded me with this award, Thank You So Much!!!! I don't really know a lot of people in bloggy land so I will not be giving it back out, but I can't wait to make some new friends!!!



Also it sure does feel good to be told your beautiful.....Lord knows, I NEVER hear it from #31!! Thanks Emma!!! You Rock!!!



You know I couldn't post without giving you a rant ;) **Grin**

Dear Monster-In-Law

When you ask me if you can do something with my kids clothes, that you didn't even buy, over three times and I tell you, "No don't worry about it", Guess what? That means DO NOT WORRY ABOUT It!!!

My mom bought #5 P.J's for Christmas. I actually picked them out, design and size. I picked out a bigger size on purpose. So she could wear them longer. When you have 3 kids all under 5, you go through the clothes.

Anyway the pants were to long on them, I didn't care and #5 didn't care. So the first time monster-in-law saw #5 wearing them she asked if she could take them home to hem them. I said no. For two reasons. One, I would NEVER get them back and two, I wanted them a little longer. So she proceeded to ask me about 3 more times and I kept saying, politely, No thank you.

So she took #3 & #5 home for the night and when she brought them home, guess what?........................You guess it, She hemmed the freakin pants!!!!

I can't stand that women. I AM THE MOM!!!! NOT YOU!!! What I say goes!!!

If it was up to me I would never even let the kids spend the night over there but then I would have to deal with her and #31, No Thanks. You see it's a catch 22. It's nice having a break from the kids but then I have to deal with her.

There I feel much better. Thanks for letting me Rant ;)

My Step-Dad

So, they took him off of the ventilator. He is doing good physical health wise. Mental health, Now that's a different story.

The first time I saw him after the vent was out, he mouthed to me, "Get me the F*** out of here" Ok, at least I know he's getting better? He then proceeded to ask me, no beg me, for the scissors so he could cut off the restraints and the tubes. Sorry Jeff, I cannot help you out of here. They are not here to poison or hurt you but to help you.

Today he proceeded to point out the dead head wrapped in plastic wrap by the window. no Jeff, it's just a chair, I think you are cut off from watching CSI while still in the Icu. I told him I had to go and that I would be back for the next visit. He then tells me not to come back until I can bring him scissors. Whatever Jeff, I love you too, Don't worry, this is for your own good;)

#31 Came Back

And right now that's all that matters to me. You see with my stepdad in the ICU, I need to be able to visit him often which s not working out due to all of my kids. They can't go.

And i also just got a membership to Curves, which I can't use, due to the kids.

So, yes, #31 came back as a baby-sitter.............LoL..................J/k

no I have always wanted to work things out with him, I just wanted his attitude to change first. We did talk a little last night and I can see that hopefully he will be a little nicer, at least for awhile, but in the mean time we can get back into our counseling.

Are we going to have to counsel all of our life?!?! I sure hope not.

I am sure I will have a rant later on, Stay Tuned.

I'm A Sneaky Teenager Shhhhh

No really, tonight I am.

Let me explain,

I am smoking cigarettes out of my bedroom window and putting my ashes in a pop can. Just like when I was a teenager hiding it from my mom.

I quit smoking like about 6-7 years ago and I am under and enormous amount of stress so I bought a pack and I don't want my kids to see me because they know what they are.

I really don't want to get addicted again so I am hoping that I can smoke a couple and then quit.

You see my step-dad is in the ICU, #31 left me and #3 broke her finger last night. And before you ask, no I am not in a soap opera, because if I were, then I would have an endless supply of baby-sitters and money and of course, a sexy man on the side!!! LoL

I called #31 and told him that whenever he was ready to admit how much he loves and needs me, SINCERELY, he can come home.

So, no, I do not think this is a permanent thing but it just stinks in the time being.

Thanks for all of the comment love, It REALLY does help.

Heres A Little more Info On #31

You asked if leaving is something that my husband does, well the answer is No. We have had a really bad couple of years. I am not sure whats going to happen. I asked him if he was leaving for good and he said, no, We just need time a part.

Now we have the 3 kids all under 5 and while he's out getting his "Time" apart. I am here 24/7 with the kids living life. I'm not sure that I am going to just wait around till he's had his "Time".

I'm not sure what to do. I almost want to pack everything up and move into my moms, which she wants me too. But wth my step-dad being so sick in the ICU, I'm just not sure.

Him leaving is not fare to me or the kids and he needs to grow up and realize that. I always tell him hat just becuse we have marital problems the world does not stop. He still has a job, we still have kids.

#31 Left

No really, he left. When he got home from work, I left to go exercise and he called me and told me to come home and when i pulled in, he was standing in the drive with a suitcase. So I just walked right by him, went inside and tended to my kids. Yes, there my kids. I would NEVER walk out on my kids, even though I have wanted to leave #31 so many times.

No I am not sad, a little relieved but not sad. I am sure this is just the beginning of the drama. You see, remember I said we only have one car? He left it here. How is he even getting to work?

He'll be back. The sad part is, I'm not sure I even want him to. Mark my words, my phone WILL ring tomorrow at 4:05pm and it WILL be him. "Can we talk ?" You see usually it's women who are irrational and do things without thinking. Once he decides or figures out how much child support and alimony he will owe me, he will be back. Mark my words.

So yea, I'm bummed, My step-dads in the ICU fighting for his life and my husband left me. I can't even go visit my step-dad now because I have to take care of 5,3 & 2. Thanks #31

Are You Serious?

So I am not even sure how to start this one off. We went to church yesterday as we usually do. We still had a n extra car someone let us use while they were out of town, so we drove separate so that I could go up to the ICU to see my step-dad, I can only go at certain times.

After the hospital I went to my moms to report to her and really just to be with her. She is ALL alone and she needs someone to talk to. It upsets her to much to go to the hospital a lot. She doesn't want to see him like that.

So then I called #31 to let him know that I would be going back up to the ICU later with my sister. She didn't want to go alone because it was her first time going up. Her husband has to watch the kids, also very young.

So #31 said Ok, with A LOT of attitude. I tell him that nobody can help what;s going on with my dad and to not be so angry, just roll with it. He then tells me, " I never said you couldn't go", No #31 you never said I couldn't go, your just going to have some kind of stupid attitude but as long as you tell me I can go, you Ok. Yea, keep telling yourself that.

As a matter of fact, the first time I got home from the ICU i was talking about dads condition and #31 just stares at the floor. I'm like, do you even hear me? He's like, I don't know what to say. OK, WELL BASIC COMMUNICATION SKILLS WOULD TELL YOU TO AT EAST LOOK AT ME!!! Uggggghhhhh ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! Wheres MY support? Oh, yea he's sitting on the couch sulking about life. Get over it buddy.

So anyway back to Sunday. I get home about 3:00p and the kids just woke up and i brought them some food and every things fine. I go upstairs to play, I mean blog on the computer and #31 comes in the room and starts arguing with me about everything. I told him we could discuss it at a different time, I just wanted some alone. So I said "Will You please leave me alone?"

So here's Mr. Brilliant did................................................

He left the house!!!! He left all 3 kids downstairs and NEVER told me he was leaving!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! Did we have a time warp back to high school and I missed it? Have I not spent the last 3 days in the ICU?

He left me there with all three of the kids and didn't say a word. Now remember I still had to pick up my sister and take her to the ICU for the first time. Great #31, Great!!

So I load all the kids up and take them to church to give them to him. I asked him for the keys to the car and he tells me no. Once again, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! You do remember that my dad is in the ICU possibly dying?

SO I went to the mini van took out all the car seats, and set them by the tiny Mazda and I left.

I texted him "Have Fun cramming all the kids in the back of the Mazda when you could of had the mini van, Jerk"

Yes, this is my prince charming. The one that rescues me.

Some Of You May Wonder............

........................Why I don't just up and leave #31. I will give you a quick and easy answer. You think I rant now, wait and see what I am like raising 5, 3 & 2 by myself!!!!! :) No really we have almost 9 years of marriage together and three very young children. I also haven't worked in 5 years, I don't have a car and nothing in my name. It would be CRAZY if I let.

I mean he works 6 days a week so we are barley around each other anyway, right?

No really, he can still make me happy and laugh, we are just going through a ruff patch right now and I did say vows in front of my friends, family & God. That counts for something.

Wow, I guess that really wasn't a rant. Kinda glad too, because that would have been three rants in two days. Some might think I am hard to please *Big Grin*

Well stayed tuned because tomorrow is a new day and I am sure it will have new rants!!

Figure It Out #31!!

Ok, So once again on a Saturday I am stuck inside ALL day with ALL of the kids. Oh, wait I take that back, monster-in-law wanted #5, the oldest, the one who can actually help me, over to spend the night at her house, and yes, to do ALLL the fun things you can do with a 5 year old that are almost impossible to do with a 3 & a 2 year old. Whewwww!!!

My mother's husband is still very sick in the ICU and she wanted me to come over today to help her organize her house, they just moved. So I called #31 who got off work rather early, like at 1:30 and asked him if he could come home and i could go to my moms to help her, I mean C'mon, her husband just had 3 major surgery's and is in the IC, She could use a friend.

Well my bright #31 said No, He NEEDS to go to the church to edit messages, You know the ones on the computer that aren't going anywhere. I can see wher that is sooo much more important then SICK PEOPLE & FAMILY MEMBERS!!!

I'll just cross my fingers and hope he is home in time for me to go visit my Dad at 4:30. You can only go 4 times a day for a half an hour. If not, I am sure you will hear another Rant later on.

Oh, yea, I called him a second time to plead with him to come home so I could go but gave him the option, I mean, I didn't wan thim to come home and just be cranky, as usuall. But did he? nope he still chose to go, And hence was born the title, "Figure It Out #31!

Now on to my first REAL post

Last night was a nightmare!!!

I went to the olive garden with 31 & 2. It was an hour wait. Now I expected to half to deal with 2, because, well, he's 2 and he did pretty good. What I had a hard time dealing with was 31!!!! I mean the man just stands there against the wall like he's mad at the word,He can't even acknowledege that I am standing there right next to him!!! I can talk and talk and talk till I am blue in the face and all that man does is always look SO mad!! I mean C'mon lighten up, YOU are not the only one standing here waiting for some overpriced itialin food!!!

So #2 is fussy from standing and sitting too long and #31 can't even ackowledge our exsitience!! Can we just go home now, I am not even hungry anymore!!!.................Oh, Ok, it's our turn. We sit down and #2 won't stop crying but whatever I just pretend I can't hear him and contiue to read my very expensive overpriced menu!! Long story short, We eat and leave with little conversation. Definitley worth the $40.00!!! I much rather would have went alone and #31 can go on home and sulk by himself!!!

Then I had to go visit my dad i the hospital, he is very very sick, on a ventilator and everything. A little back round on him, he does smoke pot and drink. I really don't care. I don't live with him and it doesn't even affect our family. Anyway I told #31 that when he is awake he is very agitated and they have to hurry up and put him back asleep.

He proceeds to tell me that he just probably doing it for PAIN MEDS!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!! He just had 2 major surgery's, one was life threatening and he is on every single tube and machine there is and you proceed to tell me he is doing it for the pain meds???? I can't even blog about this one. It is too far out there.

Grow up #31!!!!

My First post

Well I have decided o do a public, "private" blog.

You see I have lots of friend and family that cruise around online but I needed a place to share my real life stories.

I needed somewhere that I could vent about my husband, my children and just life in general.

I will never use real names of people because I really don't want to hurt any ones feelings.

This is basically just for me:)

I will start off with a little about me.

I am a 26 year old mother of 3. As of now all of my children are under the age of 5. Yes, I know, WHAT AS I THINKING!!!

I have been married to the same man for a little over 8 years, and let me tell you, we have a love hate relationship. I will explain more later.

I used to work in the medical field but have currently been a stay-at-home-mom for about 5 years.

I feel like I am over worked and under appreciated. I cook 5 out of 7 nights and the other 2 nights are leftovers. I do EVERYONES laundry. I clean the whole house, by myself. We only have one car so my husband takes that to work and i am stuck with NO transportation during the day. oh, Yea, and my husband works 6 days a week. Even taking the kids to the doctor is a hassle, I have to find a baby-sitter and a car!!

Anyway I know there are a lot of people who have it worse then me but this is my blog to vent on!!