Saturday, June 20, 2009

So, Life Goes On

I really have no idea why I picked that for a title. I guess it just fit:)

Things are still pretty much the same. We have these little text message wars and let me tell you, his cut deep. I get the, "your worthless" "Your a poor excuse for a mother" and so on.

He just keeps telling me that I would just repent and get right with the God, everything would get better. I just keep on telling him to focus on yourself and how you can improve and let me focus on me.

I mean, c'mon, how can he even think about changing when he spends his days thinking of things I need to change or improve. I mean I will admit my faults in this marriage but I am not totally to blame. He plays his part too and unless we BOTH make some changes, we are not going to make it.

I am just seriously going through the motions of marriage lately. I am half way debating on going back to the lawyer and started a divorce. I mean our divorce will probably take years anyway since he wants the kids, he doesn't want to pay and he won't sign any papers.

But I will be Dam*** if I let my girls grow up with a man like that. I mean I not one of those feminist or anything close to that but I don't want my girls growing up thinking that at any minute, God can squish you like a bug. I want my kids to get convictions based off their relationship with God, not some man shoving it down our throats.

I am really not sure what to do. I have tried talking to him but it ALWAYS goes back to, that I just need to repent and get right with God. And i'm not even sure what I am supposed to be getting right!!!!

Yes, I work a part-time job, I wear capris and I smoke. And yes, I am not going to church 3 times a week with him. To tell you the truth I can't even stomach walking into that building with him. But I do go on Sunday mornings and Sunday nights.

Oh, I wish life had an on and off button because I would so hit the off button right now!!!

Please people, tell me something to cheer me up, jokes, stories, ANYTHING!!!

As always, thanks for listening to me rant:)

25 comments:

Rhapsody said...

Blessings.....
I feel you chafing from being judged as I am chafing from reading it and I am only a voyeur tentatively peeking into the window (your blog) you’ve allowed me to see. It's interesting that your husband view is so outward toward you and seems to nitpick creating a laundry lists of faults and flaws that he regularly use to showcase all your wrong doings. Sadly he is seemingly intently focused on the finger pointing, judging, condemning and demoralizing your character not stopping to consider the impact of his words, actions and deeds. It does not matter if he has just cause or reason because through it all he has choice and each time he fail to think before he speaks he is willingly whether he is conscious of it or not contaminating the relationship and your feelings towards him. It is sad that he is not mindful that when he tears you down he is unknowingly hurting his children (you are part of them) as well as it would be the same if you were to engage in the same behavior. Your children are privy to this; do not for one moment think they are not even if they never hear you quarrel. As human beings we communicate with more than our mouths and our emotions carry an aura that tells its own tales.

If he is so righteous how is it that he is not heeding what the bible says "Judge not, Less he be Judged!", meaning that the tools that “we” apply to judge others would be the same used to judge “us” or the verse that heeds that one that states "Take the moth out of thy own eye before attempting to take the moth out of another’s eye? (Loosely quoted, something along those lines), or "He who is without out sin cast the first stone?" and of course my grandmothers favorite, "those who live in glass houses should not throw stones".

Perhaps one day you ought to stop in your tracks before leaving, take a deep breath, turn around and very gently in the softest voice and tone filled with love maintaining your composer throughout and say: “When you imply that I am a whore, it does not make me feel loved and it acts as acid on my affections for you. When you say nasty things that wound my soul it also impacts the love I feel for you. I am not made of stone, I am a human being who chose you as my husband, lover, friend, the father of my children with the expectation that you would lift me up not tear me down. If you who I have opened my heart, mind and body too cannot and will not respect me or support me what am I to expect from the world who knows me not? And how then should I react to you? Should I kiss you when you call me a whore? Is it foreplay, should I run into your arms and gently close the door? Would it be better if I gave up my free will and die inside so you can feel secure? Become hopeless and demented so you can be contented? What would it take for you to mind your mouth, to take stock of what you do and say? Should there be no consequences for this form of “manly” display? Should I reward your degradation of me with love and affection? And if I then lay with you after a cup full of humiliation am I then your personal concubine and therefore forgiven until you rise and I have to brace myself for the awakening of your malevolence and your malice treatment of me? What will it take for you to see “ME”?

Alison said...

so I left my cellphone at "Handsome"'s house last night... FREAKING out about what is in it and him snooping...

gotta get it back.

We have text wars too. Texts are the perfect forum for a nasty jab!

The Peach Tart said...

Rhapsody gave you some incredible advice. You are experiencing verbal abuse which is just as damaging as any kind of abuse. When you stand up for yourself, you are showing your children that you are a worthy person not deserving of his abusive treatment.

O.F.C.J. said...

Hello Lady :) I would just like to that that I'm sorry that u r experiencing this. Please do know that going to church 14 times a week means nothing to God if one's heart is not filled with love (and God is love!).

This form of "advice" or "warning" from #32 is not appropriate because it is not done in love, but in judgment, anger, and seemingly, spite. Please do ignore it. I am going through something similar with someone verly "close" to me, blood relative. IT IS annoying, aggravating, & trying...like I have to try not to think/say mean things about this person. But it is a good way to get closer to The ultimate Father, trying tames can make you stronger, no? Take a ride somewhere & breath, think & chilllax.

Sometimes hasty movements in the now seem sensible but look really stupid later. I know these things. lol.

O.F.C.D.

Yet said...

Church 3 times a week?
EVERY week?
That's a little crazy. I grew up with a mother like that. My father balanced. I will admit that my mom started going to church more often after my parent's marriage started falling apart. It was like she believed that instead of trying to fix her marriage, all she needed to do was pray about it...They're separated so obviously she should have done more than that. This post doesn't really explain your husband but from what I gather he just seems like a christian on the extreme side. Is this a new side of him? Or was he like that before you all got married?

Anyways, some happy news is that anytimes things seem really bad, you can be confident that a blessing's on the way. I hope you feel better and I guess remember the reasons why you love #32. hehe

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Stereos and Souffles said...

Wow, just stumbled onto your blog from SITS. Read some of your posts. Sounds like a miserable way to live, I hope things turn around for you and soon.

Paula said...

I am so sorry to read about what are you going through. It is a miserable way to live and I wish you all strength and determination to make the right desicion for you and your kids.No one deserves to live like that. Tons of hugs

Nicey said...

Nice blog, keep your chin up

chili said...

Beautiful blog you have:) What is your favorite cookie?

Rhapsody B. said...

Blessings, It has been 4 weeks since your last entry. I hope that all is well and you are simply living life to its fullest and enjoying your children. Stay blessed and keep your head up.

FlyKiD said...

Ur pAgE Iz hOt fOlLoW Me nD IlL fOllOw u .......flykidsociety.blogspot.com

SCOTT said...

woah. that's the longest blog comment that i think i've ever laid eyes upon... it may even be the same lenght as the blog! it's like dr. phil suddenly got himself a blog profile.

hope your dandy.

classy young lady said...

I love, love your blog-site!!I like how you kp it real, and ur not scared to speak your mind.Eventhough I don't know you I wish you the best. [[Be Blessed]]

Critty Critty Bang Bang said...

This is my first visit and I already don't like 32 (sorry if this offends!)
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, especially if that someone is your life partner.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

There is much advice that can be given, but if the givers of advice don't know you, the advice may or may not be what you need. Have you considered working with a professional marriage counselor? It sounds like you are both hurting each other and at the same time both not wanting to leave the marriage. Perhaps a counselor can help you work through your differences and the non-functional behaviors (especially your husband's) that get in the way of a happy marriage.

Jo said...

wow normally I dont read long txt on blogs Idk
but that was really interesting even though it was kind a of sad


CAN WE GET AN UPDATE PLEASE

NOTSOMARYPOPPINS said...

i found you through a mutual follower, i am sorry to hear that you are going through tough times, i know what the church pressure is like (read my blog you may get a laugh or 2)! I do enjoy your writing though and hope to read that you are doing better next time. cheers!

Laila Of Course! said...

Aww, I'm sorry. I guess all I can offer is for one to just take it one hour at a time. :( I'll keep you in my prayers.

Be sure and pop by & enter my Say Whaat? contest, though. And follow! :)

-Laila
www.randomweavings.blogspot.com

Constructive Attitude said...

Aww I hope you get through this.

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Nickie Goomba said...

Be careful what you wish for.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Wow, this blog is compelling - and really well written. Sorry for your troubles (though I have a feeling I am going to be hooked on them from this day forward). Good luck...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

prashant said...

so I left my cellphone at "Handsome"'s house last night.

Work from home India

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