Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lets Play Catch Up

Well, it has been a super long time since I posted and believe me, its not because I have had little to say.

My divorce is finally under way! As of Aug 11th we had our first court date and the judge ordered my husband out of our home,gave him visitation to the kids and ordered him to pay child support and alimony.

I am the one who initially wanted out of this marriage, you could say I brought this divorce upon myself so I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. We were unhappy for so many years, I couldn't take all of the fighting and arguing anymore and my breaking point was when I saw it affecting my children. I am a gown women and to be honest I could of endured years and years of emotional abuse but my children cant. I couldn't let them see that this is what a "normal" marriage was anymore.

So although I have part of the battle over, I have begun a whole new battle. The one of being a single working mother to 3 children trying to maintain a household. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I am soon gonna post more details on all of the proceedings but I just wanted to get you all caught up on the latest with me and my husband.

He makes it so hard to even miss him due to the fact that every time we talk on the phone he goes on and on about what an idiot I am. I am not even sure if the man is capable of being nice to me. He claims he doesn't want to get divorced and that he wants his family but he has never once asked me back. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for the man to come back on bended knee and beg for me but he wont even fight a little for me. But he still goes to church 3 times a week in his 3 piece suit playing the victim of "Oh my wife left me". He may be able to fool all of the church people and his family but he does not fool me or God. He left this marriage long before I filed the papers. As a matter of fact, the only thing he has complained about is how much money he has to pay out a month and to be honest every time I receive a check, I just look at it as me getting reimbursed for the years of abuse I have endured. And no money doesn't make it better but I sure don't feel bad for the man.

He has already filed to get his child support and alimony lowered. Hey Jim, you could get it lowered if you would of just stood up and fought for your family a little bit!! He thinks im out just living life up, going out, drinking, partying, sleeping around, well, guess what?? Im not, im a mess inside, im a mess because the family I fought for so much, I can not keep it together!!

Anyway, we got through our first Christmas without eachother, I cant lie,it was rough but thanks to some close friends and family it was better then I expected.


Jazzie Casas said...

Married… divorced… separated… never together… what does any relationship status have to do with a man's parental duty? Once you’re a father, you're always a father. There is no you in the formula of life anymore. There is always at least one other person standing beside you in that equation. Always. Own that. And never leave that behind.

Proud to be a Single Dad

Rhapsody B. said...

Be careful you are sending mixed messages. When you charge him of "not fighting for his family" you are saying you want him back. I am sensing a lot of expectations from you in regards to him and what you think he should and shouldn't do this is an indicator that you are not accepting the reality of who the man is because you are focused on whom he could be if this or that. Let him be who he is whatever that is and you simply don't play the role you fell into the pattern of playing. Keep the conversations about the children, their needs and wants. If the conversation changes to you, what you are doing or not doing you say "we are having a discussion about the kids, where they are concerned I will answer your questions providing it is do with their welfare and happiness however I will not discuss me or my life beyond the children with you, if you insist on continuing this discussion about me I will hang up the phone." If he insists on continuing simply hang up and keep hanging up anytime he veers off the conversation of the children. If you are face to face walk away without engaging him. Let him be him and do not be pulled to his level or have the communication disintegrate into name calling. To help ensure that the children do not become a conduit of information for him to extract make sure that you let them know very gently if daddy ask anything about mommy simply say, “I don’t know daddy please ask mommy.” Also let them know that any conversation they have with their father should be about them, what makes them happy, how they are doing in school, what subjects they are having trouble with, which ones they love, how they are getting along with their friends, what they want to be when they become adults etc., the conversation should never be about what mommy is doing and with whom. That is not their role, their role is to be children and enjoy their parents regardless if they are in the same house or not, together or separated.

Ending a marriage is never easy. The mixed up feelings you mentioned has to do with the grieving of the relationship, the love, the promise of till do us part, happily ever after and the what could have been if things had worked. You simply have to feel your feelings and move through it. I would suggest you deal with your children honestly without making them feel they have to choose between you and their father because frankly what happened between both of you has nothing to do with them, be clear on that. Do not under any circumstances bad mouth him in front of them, or within ear shot of them. If you need to vent do it with your friends away from the presence of your children. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to protect the mental, emotional and psychological health of your children and engaging in nasty name calling humiliation is counterproductive to that.

Being a single parent is about balance. No it isn't easy. It is however doable.

Stay blessed and have a happy and blessed New Year

Rhapsody B. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
skinnylattemama said...

Thnaks for your imput, obviosly my post was a shortened version of everything really going on,bottomline is, I did what i thogh was best for me and my kids but it still hurts, we were together for 11 years, thats a big chunk of my life gone and I am now learning how to just be me, whoever that is....

Rhapsody B. said...

Just being is good. Take the good along with the lessons of the 11years and grow and be a more powerful you.


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